New song...
Knew you shouldn’t
Didn’t mean you wouldn’t
But words won’t help your case
You look to me
But see right through me
You see her and I’m erased
The words come spinnin
The words come easy
That doesn’t mean she’ll stay
If words could save you
Then just maybe
Maybe this feeling will go away
I don’t know you
I don’t think I could
With all the words you misplace
I’m in the middle
But never central
All my words just float away
The words came spinnin
The words came easy
That doesn’t mean you stayed
If words could save me
Then just maybe
Maybe this feeling would go away
You say don’t breakdown
We're only human
If you don’t try then you can’t fail
You say sorry
Please don’t worry
But all your words just take sail
The words came spinnin
The words came easy
That doesn’t mean we’re ok
If words could save you
And save me too
Then maybe this feeling would go away
The words came spinnin
But I couldn’t use them
Today is not my day
The worst came spinnin
And I’m still reelin
Fillin up with pain
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Down
A new song... about many people...
Start wherever, something clever
Like the stars up in the sky
Didn't miss our first kiss
Like you said you saw me cry
Sitting, smoking, thinking, joking
Is that when you saw through me
I can't forget how we met
And the way things came to be
Build me up, tear me down
All these words won't make a sound
Fill me up, I'll overflow
And leave me with nowhere to go
Build me up, tear me down
All these words don't shift your ground
Pick me up, let me go
Too many things we'll never know
Not together, for forever
If that ever rolls around
Here without you, all about you
I know that you hate that sound
But I can't stop what I am not
What I never could be
Even never can't last forever
So where does that leave you and me
Build me up, tear me down
All these words won't make a sound
Fill me up, I'll overflow
And leave me with nowhere to go
Build me up, tear me down
All these words don't shake your ground
Pick me up, let me go
Too many things we'll never know
Start wherever, something clever
Like the stars up in the sky
Didn't miss our first kiss
Like you said you saw me cry
Sitting, smoking, thinking, joking
Is that when you saw through me
I can't forget how we met
And the way things came to be
Build me up, tear me down
All these words won't make a sound
Fill me up, I'll overflow
And leave me with nowhere to go
Build me up, tear me down
All these words don't shift your ground
Pick me up, let me go
Too many things we'll never know
Not together, for forever
If that ever rolls around
Here without you, all about you
I know that you hate that sound
But I can't stop what I am not
What I never could be
Even never can't last forever
So where does that leave you and me
Build me up, tear me down
All these words won't make a sound
Fill me up, I'll overflow
And leave me with nowhere to go
Build me up, tear me down
All these words don't shake your ground
Pick me up, let me go
Too many things we'll never know
Friday, May 16, 2008
I talk in math
GIRL:
There are two colours in my head.
There's a gap in between;
Because we separate.
That's a strange mistake to make.
I am up in the clouds and can't come down.
Watching all the ground beneath me drop.
I've given all I can, it's not enough.
BOY:
That there, that's not me.
Just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
Go and tell the king that the sky is falling in, when it's not.
You are not to blame for bittersweet distractors.
This is how I'm saying goodbye, cause I can't do it face to face.
GIRL:
I got the message I can't read; another message I can't read.
BOY:
You're living in a fantasy world.
Your future's bleak.
GIRL:
I don't wanna be your friend; I just wanna be your lover.
BOY:
No matter how it ends?
No matter how it starts?
When you go forwards, I go backwards
GIRL:
And somewhere we will meet.
You are all I need!
You and no one else.
BOY:
Please could you stop the noise!
You do it to yourself; that's why it really hurts.
GIRL:
You will be the one who cannot talk.
That's it sir, you're leaving?
Give me sunshine, make me happy!
And if I could be who you wanted all the time?
BOY:
Nice dream.
I couldn't look you in the eye.
I don't belong here.
I spoke too soon.
GIRL:
I wish I was bulletproof.
What would I do if I did not have you?
BOY:
Go to sleep.
There are two colours in my head.
There's a gap in between;
Because we separate.
That's a strange mistake to make.
I am up in the clouds and can't come down.
Watching all the ground beneath me drop.
I've given all I can, it's not enough.
BOY:
That there, that's not me.
Just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
Go and tell the king that the sky is falling in, when it's not.
You are not to blame for bittersweet distractors.
This is how I'm saying goodbye, cause I can't do it face to face.
GIRL:
I got the message I can't read; another message I can't read.
BOY:
You're living in a fantasy world.
Your future's bleak.
GIRL:
I don't wanna be your friend; I just wanna be your lover.
BOY:
No matter how it ends?
No matter how it starts?
When you go forwards, I go backwards
GIRL:
And somewhere we will meet.
You are all I need!
You and no one else.
BOY:
Please could you stop the noise!
You do it to yourself; that's why it really hurts.
GIRL:
You will be the one who cannot talk.
That's it sir, you're leaving?
Give me sunshine, make me happy!
And if I could be who you wanted all the time?
BOY:
Nice dream.
I couldn't look you in the eye.
I don't belong here.
I spoke too soon.
GIRL:
I wish I was bulletproof.
What would I do if I did not have you?
BOY:
Go to sleep.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Writer's Error
Section from a new piece I'm working on...
I was wrong, there is a One. A lonely me. This book is about me and only me; interactions from my life. Unique irises and fingerprints make cameos, but I will not pretend to understand or know their experiences and feelings. ‘I’m not who you think I am,’ is merely a fact relevant and true to any two people at any time. We are shaped by life experiences, and our life experiences are shaped by human interaction. Our minds make assumptions, or draw conclusions based on past experiences. No matter how convincing an argument, inevitably what we say will fall victim to our listener’s past experiences. Not only that, our arguments are victims of our own pasts. Does that mean I’m looking for a proof that doesn’t exist? Our whole lives are made up of contradiction. Is awareness of contradiction absolution from it? Perhaps convincing another oxygen sponge of something is all we have.
These are the set of factors which limit our ability to truly understand no another. But the main contributing factor is this. These 26 characters with 40 phonetic sounds are our limiting enemies.
My central example: “The only truth is that there is no truth.” I’d like to think this is true. I’m sure you can think of more, but the preceding paradox is proof of how powerfully pathetic our practice of proofs prove to present. No one will ever truly know anyone else. I think I’m good with that. I don’t think you’ll understand me by reading this. Just as with life, things will inevitably be left out. I can hope, however, that you’ll see yourself in some of my stories. Then I’ll inevitably say or do something that you won’t agree with. You’ll feel betrayed. Thought betrayal.
I was wrong, there is a One. A lonely me. This book is about me and only me; interactions from my life. Unique irises and fingerprints make cameos, but I will not pretend to understand or know their experiences and feelings. ‘I’m not who you think I am,’ is merely a fact relevant and true to any two people at any time. We are shaped by life experiences, and our life experiences are shaped by human interaction. Our minds make assumptions, or draw conclusions based on past experiences. No matter how convincing an argument, inevitably what we say will fall victim to our listener’s past experiences. Not only that, our arguments are victims of our own pasts. Does that mean I’m looking for a proof that doesn’t exist? Our whole lives are made up of contradiction. Is awareness of contradiction absolution from it? Perhaps convincing another oxygen sponge of something is all we have.
These are the set of factors which limit our ability to truly understand no another. But the main contributing factor is this. These 26 characters with 40 phonetic sounds are our limiting enemies.
My central example: “The only truth is that there is no truth.” I’d like to think this is true. I’m sure you can think of more, but the preceding paradox is proof of how powerfully pathetic our practice of proofs prove to present. No one will ever truly know anyone else. I think I’m good with that. I don’t think you’ll understand me by reading this. Just as with life, things will inevitably be left out. I can hope, however, that you’ll see yourself in some of my stories. Then I’ll inevitably say or do something that you won’t agree with. You’ll feel betrayed. Thought betrayal.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
"1,913 - Im/possibilities (6)
*From my book "1,913
So I waited.
I waited for the perfect time to make my move. The time when I’d have the exact right thing to say, and he’d be powerless to refuse it. That time was tomorrow.
Always tomorrow.
Tomorrow I’d have more time. Tomorrow I’d be braver. I sat with the phone in my hand and his number on the screen, but I couldn’t press it. I wanted to, but some lurking thought told me not to call, “No, now’s not the right time.”
I know what it was; I felt like this time had to be the last time. But how many times had I said that before? When was the time he’d no longer put up with it; when was enough enough? It seems like being aware of that possibility should have made the obvious sink in; he didn’t want me and only didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
Even those who accept hopelessness can respect others’ feelings. How far should a person go to protect feelings? Isn’t there a point where protection makes it worse; perpetuates the cycle? If there is such point, it had been crossed.
The problem was I felt like a different person when Nathan and I were alone. All the drama surrounding life faded, and every word spoken was truth. Truth which understands its own infinite impossibilities. The kind of truth few people recognize and even less accept. As a direct result, I felt like circumstances that seem typical and obvious to others didn’t apply to us.
I can’t overlook the possibility that He knew He made me feel this way, but I also couldn’t convince myself what I felt when I was with him wasn’t real.
Impossibilities.
So I waited.
I waited for the perfect time to make my move. The time when I’d have the exact right thing to say, and he’d be powerless to refuse it. That time was tomorrow.
Always tomorrow.
Tomorrow I’d have more time. Tomorrow I’d be braver. I sat with the phone in my hand and his number on the screen, but I couldn’t press it. I wanted to, but some lurking thought told me not to call, “No, now’s not the right time.”
I know what it was; I felt like this time had to be the last time. But how many times had I said that before? When was the time he’d no longer put up with it; when was enough enough? It seems like being aware of that possibility should have made the obvious sink in; he didn’t want me and only didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
Even those who accept hopelessness can respect others’ feelings. How far should a person go to protect feelings? Isn’t there a point where protection makes it worse; perpetuates the cycle? If there is such point, it had been crossed.
The problem was I felt like a different person when Nathan and I were alone. All the drama surrounding life faded, and every word spoken was truth. Truth which understands its own infinite impossibilities. The kind of truth few people recognize and even less accept. As a direct result, I felt like circumstances that seem typical and obvious to others didn’t apply to us.
I can’t overlook the possibility that He knew He made me feel this way, but I also couldn’t convince myself what I felt when I was with him wasn’t real.
Impossibilities.
"1,913 - Beginning of the End (5)
*From my book "1,913
During our talk He repeated many things he had said the night before; many things I had told myself months before. His logic rolled smoothly. He had a way of communicating ideas that made them seem like your own. When He was done, I sat there thinking I had rediscovered love didn’t exist.
I finally turned to leave and He offered me one last hug.
I can’t let this seemingly insignificant event go unnoted. I’ll never know exactly why He did it, but that last hug validated every feeling, thought and emotion I’d ever had for him. There’s a pestering thought that this was his final lesson; his proof that I had confused carnal pleasure with love.
As I took in what was to be our last contact, I closed my eyes. It occurred to me I should try my best to remember everything. I would never again find anyone who would come so close to knowing who I really was. I had found my other; my parallel. It was directly because He chose the same questions as I that I could never be with him. I knew I should take solace in the fact we would go on existing parallel, although we’d have to do it separately, but I couldn’t.
In our last embrace I remembered the warmth and feel of his soft skin. I enjoyed his smell; the somewhat bitter yet comforting smell of the morning after. I sank down in the tousled bed; the bed I would not be able to forget because when I returned home I would exist in that same bed. I saw his perfect hair for the first time imperfect. I’d left four scratches on his shoulder I hoped wouldn’t fade. I saw tears welling up in the corners of his eyes.
And there it was again. I felt something. I spoke irrationally, without thought.
“Nathan, I can love you; I want to love you!”
“If you want any happiness at all in your life, I assure you that’s not what you want.”
I opened my mouth expecting words to flow out, but nothing came. My mind searched for something to say, but still nothing.
That was it.
I was out of ideas; out of mental tricks to delay the inevitable. I wonder if, as I sat there completely overwhelmed, He finally saw who I was. I wondered if He then knew the whole time I had just been doing my best to keep up. I wasn’t as intelligent, resourceful, and motivated as He. Had I simply been hiding behind my words and hoping not to get caught?
“Thank you, I have my ending now…”
During our talk He repeated many things he had said the night before; many things I had told myself months before. His logic rolled smoothly. He had a way of communicating ideas that made them seem like your own. When He was done, I sat there thinking I had rediscovered love didn’t exist.
I finally turned to leave and He offered me one last hug.
I can’t let this seemingly insignificant event go unnoted. I’ll never know exactly why He did it, but that last hug validated every feeling, thought and emotion I’d ever had for him. There’s a pestering thought that this was his final lesson; his proof that I had confused carnal pleasure with love.
As I took in what was to be our last contact, I closed my eyes. It occurred to me I should try my best to remember everything. I would never again find anyone who would come so close to knowing who I really was. I had found my other; my parallel. It was directly because He chose the same questions as I that I could never be with him. I knew I should take solace in the fact we would go on existing parallel, although we’d have to do it separately, but I couldn’t.
In our last embrace I remembered the warmth and feel of his soft skin. I enjoyed his smell; the somewhat bitter yet comforting smell of the morning after. I sank down in the tousled bed; the bed I would not be able to forget because when I returned home I would exist in that same bed. I saw his perfect hair for the first time imperfect. I’d left four scratches on his shoulder I hoped wouldn’t fade. I saw tears welling up in the corners of his eyes.
And there it was again. I felt something. I spoke irrationally, without thought.
“Nathan, I can love you; I want to love you!”
“If you want any happiness at all in your life, I assure you that’s not what you want.”
I opened my mouth expecting words to flow out, but nothing came. My mind searched for something to say, but still nothing.
That was it.
I was out of ideas; out of mental tricks to delay the inevitable. I wonder if, as I sat there completely overwhelmed, He finally saw who I was. I wondered if He then knew the whole time I had just been doing my best to keep up. I wasn’t as intelligent, resourceful, and motivated as He. Had I simply been hiding behind my words and hoping not to get caught?
“Thank you, I have my ending now…”
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