Grey Flies

This is dangerous
Are you the virus or am I
Sneaking in my thoughts while sleeping
Grey fly on a grey wall
Crushing my lungs as I'm breathing
Thoughts of how to stop this all
Help before this feeling goes
Tears mean there's something there
Stop the pain that no one knows
Grey flies are everywhere

Pre-1913 Journal Entry

There have been times when I've met someone and slept with them almost immediately. I am not friends with any of these people. Could I possible be? Recently, there is a man I've met and didn't instantly want to sleep with him. No, only after a few great conversations, shared inside jokes and playful flirting did I want to have my way with him. And then the chance arose, and for some reason that currently escapes me, I didn't. Do I actually like him? Did I think it better than to fuck him on our first encounter? I think I like him, but that could possibly only be the flood of emotion. Now he says something about emotional attachment. I can't help but wonder if this is because we didn't have sex. Could this be some reverse idea that no fucking means I have more in mind? How could this be? Is my feminine rationale corrupting my otherwise logical mind? Perhaps I do like him, but my better judgement tells me it's only a temporary feeling that will fade once I get what I want. Today I heard a statement I'd rather not quote, "Love is only a trick nature plays on us to get us to reproduce. I'd rather not be a part of it." If I could only live my those words. How would I feel now? Would I still be obsessing about someone who is probably already tucked away in bed and whose only plaguing thoughts are not of me? Come on, Ann! You know how this works; you think you fall in love, you get what you think you want, and then some little, insignificant trait starts eating away at you and that's ultimately the end. My heart and mind don't seem to be on the same level in this department. My brain screams, "NO NO NO." My heart replies, "Please all I want is a taste"
"Don't lie to me, I know what you're after!"
"I know how this works out, but it's worth it now."
Unfortunately neither have a say in the matter. Only he holds the choice. If he responds no my brain will eventually comfort my heart into submission and if he says yes my heart will lie more to my brain and the vicious cycle will continue.