Writer's Arrogance

RIGHT NOW!
Right now I've just realized how arrogant writers are. I write down the thoughts in my head knowing no one will read them. I think even if they do, they won't understand. So I write down reasons why I'm smart in hopes that someone will stumble upon them and agree. I could leave them as thoughts, but I want validation! It's sucking the life out of me. I'm living in a world all alone. Writing this never ending letter to you; whoever you are. As I write more and more, the fantasy that is you changes, becomes more defined, and less attainable. Seal my fate! Ha... continuity. Realizations don't stop me. Here are my arrogant words! Where is my non-existent love?! Maybe I'll always be nothing, there's a slight change I might one day be a writer. But even if that slight possibility happens, there is even less possibility that anyone will ever read this, and even that will probably only occur after I'm dead. Then I'll be forced to roll over in my grave about them not correcting my bad grammar and spelling....
Ha... Life.

This story ends before it starts...

The problem with thinking like this is every argument automatically voids itself. So how can happiness be achieved?? I mean love. Perhaps that's the underlying problem; the thought that love equals happiness. I know this isn't true. I can't even begin to define love generally. Everyone has their own version of what it is. I believe everyone is free to judge what is good and bad, right and wrong. I've met many people in the last year, dealt with many people. My most important lesson is that everyone is free to make their own judgments and change them as they please. So for love to occur, two people must agree, at least partially, in their judgments, but not only that, the timing must be right as well. However, I can't confuse the possibility that two people may agree, timing may be right, but still not be one. Voided? Maybe allowed is more correct. This thinking allows everyone to be correct. In the end, no one wins. In the end, we're all dead anyway. From the moment I met you, I've been composing this letter. I've learned a lot and my judgments have changed. Anything arguments could solve will only create new ones. can I live my life in this state? can I ignore my greatest truth? Life... the ongoing argument against the apparent? Maybe I'm getting somewhere. I don't know what's true, but the apparent truth doesn't make this hurt feel any less real. i can't believe that you've found a way to avoid it, but that may just be my situation projecting. I feel a need to say again and again that I am justified in changing any thought at any time. Unwavering doesn't exist. My key to knowing, trying to understand people, is first accepting that they cannot be held to any idea. I was afraid that I'd live with the same mistakes made throughout history, but understanding this and the limitlessness of combinations means only I will live this life. MINE. So I'm forced to believe, currently, that the world... earth... humans are all in a constant state of change. No beginning no end? Fucking math... Ok maybe we're just a line segment. I don't know. Definitions are important though. To me, this is the most important fundamental tool to understanding someone. Not that we ever can fully, but this gets us closest. Understand what aspects a person brings to his/her definitions and only then can we get closer to knowing that person. I have no proof, less than for anything else, but I... no my reason is to know people as well as I can. Grow, change, learn. Understand that sometimes it will last longer than wanted and others not long enough, but learn at every opportunity. There my greatest argument solved itself. So I act irrationally, but I CAN, it's written into my rules. I'm free to change my judgments when I please. Chemical reactions. I'm not deep enough to ignore them. Is that day coming? Will I ever be that strong?