Ode to Andrew

Looking in the mirror is to see clear
To study the face you hold so dear
Until that mirror you thought so clear
Reveals to you your only fear
And then my dear you'll know the fear
That only comes from looking in a mirror

"Vanity seeps from out your pores..."

Grey Flies

This is dangerous
Are you the virus or am I
Sneaking in my thoughts while sleeping
Grey fly on a grey wall
Crushing my lungs as I'm breathing
Thoughts of how to stop this all
Help before this feeling goes
Tears mean there's something there
Stop the pain that no one knows
Grey flies are everywhere

Pre-1913 Journal Entry

There have been times when I've met someone and slept with them almost immediately. I am not friends with any of these people. Could I possible be? Recently, there is a man I've met and didn't instantly want to sleep with him. No, only after a few great conversations, shared inside jokes and playful flirting did I want to have my way with him. And then the chance arose, and for some reason that currently escapes me, I didn't. Do I actually like him? Did I think it better than to fuck him on our first encounter? I think I like him, but that could possibly only be the flood of emotion. Now he says something about emotional attachment. I can't help but wonder if this is because we didn't have sex. Could this be some reverse idea that no fucking means I have more in mind? How could this be? Is my feminine rationale corrupting my otherwise logical mind? Perhaps I do like him, but my better judgement tells me it's only a temporary feeling that will fade once I get what I want. Today I heard a statement I'd rather not quote, "Love is only a trick nature plays on us to get us to reproduce. I'd rather not be a part of it." If I could only live my those words. How would I feel now? Would I still be obsessing about someone who is probably already tucked away in bed and whose only plaguing thoughts are not of me? Come on, Ann! You know how this works; you think you fall in love, you get what you think you want, and then some little, insignificant trait starts eating away at you and that's ultimately the end. My heart and mind don't seem to be on the same level in this department. My brain screams, "NO NO NO." My heart replies, "Please all I want is a taste"
"Don't lie to me, I know what you're after!"
"I know how this works out, but it's worth it now."
Unfortunately neither have a say in the matter. Only he holds the choice. If he responds no my brain will eventually comfort my heart into submission and if he says yes my heart will lie more to my brain and the vicious cycle will continue.

Erwin

He returns form time to time. His thought lingers long after he's gone. Delicate words remind me of the sometimes and the usual is forgotten. Sweet memories remain and frightful ones disappear. Nothing that was real is real. No real memories cloud my disillusioned vision. Oh how I want to feel him again. I want him to hold me close. I want to close my eyes and pretend that everything is as it was long ago. To him, I won't speak in code, not even the code he and I developed when we were together. I will only tell him truths and sing him lies. He will always say what he needs and never get angry. We will remember the bad times and they will be the only bad times. Things from the past will not dilute the future. And he'll love me. He'll love me like he never did before. He'll see all I do and he'll smile. We will be equal.

Expectations

The only truth I've found in life is that what you expect to happen rarely ever does. Life seems to jump out at you at all the wrong times. With this knowledge, how can plans be arranged? Everyday I think, "this isn't where I thought I'd be right now." I wonder if the moments of happiness I feel are illusions I've constructed in my head.

Questions

Why is life such a scary and confusing event? Can people truely be happy? Do two people ever agree on the same thing at the same time? Where does it end? Is there any perfect something? How do we know when we're as close as we'll get? Whoever can answer these riddles is untrustworthy. How do I live my life blissfully unaware? Where do I sign up?

Love and Time

What is this feeling? I've found myself repeating this phrase as of late. What is this feeling? Do you know what love is? I've heard of love, but do I know it? I wonder if the trouble is worth the product. It seems as though love and time have some unspoken relationship. Is it so unspoken that no one knows what it is or does it exist at all? I know there is no formula to love, but what about time? Does one affect the other? Can any form of happiness be wrong if it makes you happy at the right time? Is it possible for my heart to fill with joy one second, then collapse with pain the next without one of those emotions being false? Oh God, please don't make it false! It's true I don't know what love is. I find it hard to believe that anyone seriously thinks they do. Not knowing what love is seems to create a lot of mistakes.