"1,913 - Beginning of the End (5)

*From my book "1,913

During our talk He repeated many things he had said the night before; many things I had told myself months before. His logic rolled smoothly. He had a way of communicating ideas that made them seem like your own. When He was done, I sat there thinking I had rediscovered love didn’t exist.

I finally turned to leave and He offered me one last hug.

I can’t let this seemingly insignificant event go unnoted. I’ll never know exactly why He did it, but that last hug validated every feeling, thought and emotion I’d ever had for him. There’s a pestering thought that this was his final lesson; his proof that I had confused carnal pleasure with love.

As I took in what was to be our last contact, I closed my eyes. It occurred to me I should try my best to remember everything. I would never again find anyone who would come so close to knowing who I really was. I had found my other; my parallel. It was directly because He chose the same questions as I that I could never be with him. I knew I should take solace in the fact we would go on existing parallel, although we’d have to do it separately, but I couldn’t.

In our last embrace I remembered the warmth and feel of his soft skin. I enjoyed his smell; the somewhat bitter yet comforting smell of the morning after. I sank down in the tousled bed; the bed I would not be able to forget because when I returned home I would exist in that same bed. I saw his perfect hair for the first time imperfect. I’d left four scratches on his shoulder I hoped wouldn’t fade. I saw tears welling up in the corners of his eyes.

And there it was again. I felt something. I spoke irrationally, without thought.
“Nathan, I can love you; I want to love you!”

“If you want any happiness at all in your life, I assure you that’s not what you want.”

I opened my mouth expecting words to flow out, but nothing came. My mind searched for something to say, but still nothing.

That was it.

I was out of ideas; out of mental tricks to delay the inevitable. I wonder if, as I sat there completely overwhelmed, He finally saw who I was. I wondered if He then knew the whole time I had just been doing my best to keep up. I wasn’t as intelligent, resourceful, and motivated as He. Had I simply been hiding behind my words and hoping not to get caught?

“Thank you, I have my ending now…”